1. i realise i wrote with such enthusiasm and hope when i arrived – in a way that was all about “the new” “the hope-full” “the unknowing” and as i have only been here now for only 5.5 weeks things have begun to turn a little bit more real in this land i stand on; and am to walk, eat, sleep, shit and cry on – where i am, now, really here. i am not back there although still in my thoughts and blood. i am here now. i have arrived, and there is a certain uncertain unsettling reality that comes with this. the one that is war – although i am perfectly safe and can drink as many cups of coffee and tea as i want today, there is still the knowledge of all that is happening – and only to begin the question: what do we do with this knowledge? i do not know.
Another reality is the one I am living – that includes not facing war, only conflict in my mind and heart. It includes the reality now that i really have acknowledged the time needed for this work to be made “wholly” “completely” “fully” – in the way it really can if i let my impatience aside and allow it to happen. In his still relevant “Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” Pirsig states: “Impatience is close to boredom but always results from one cause; an underestimation of the amount of time a job will take. You never really know what will come up and very few jobs get done as quickly as planned. Impatience is the first reaction against a setback and can soon turn to anger if you’re not careful…” (which is exactly what happened)
“…Impatience is best handled by allowing indefinite time for the job, particularly new jobs that require unfamiliar techniques; by doubling the allotted time when circumstances force time planning; and by scaling down the scope of what you want to do. Over all goals must be scaled down in importance and immediate goals must be scaled up. This requires value flexibility, and the value-shift is usually accompanied by some loss of gumption, (enthusiasm, desire, love, passion, energy), but it’s a sacrifice that must be made…”
And so this is what i am working on – Impatience also feels like you do not really care about something if you just want to rush it through. But of course everything is multi-faceted.
2. as i walk the opposite direction to my destination i notice past the train station, everyone’s looking suspicious at everyone looking suspicious and the security guard holds his hand gun tightly in his hand as if ready to shoot – the army boy slings his machine gun over his shoulder and bumps a passer by… and later we’re stopped in the road to allow a police robot to blow up a suspicious bag in a public park – and i’m told to remember the normality of these things for people – and yet – even if it’s normal…